Now that I am the last one to wake, there is little space to catch up with myself. What I am observing has been surprising! Who is this ungrounded woman walking around in my Crocs?
So many moments of sounding “Just like my mother!”
You know the woman I spent my whole life swearing off. Proclaiming to the world that “I will never be like her.” Now the humbling misstep, that in all of my denial, I kept edging closer and closer to being exactly like her. Exactly.
Some of her traits I had sworn off; To be scared to death of being a parent, hiding, and unable to cope with most difficulties, seek a place to retreat, peak your head out later. She chose pills, alcohol, and men. I choose incense, cherry pie, and meditation. Now, I know, I know, what is wrong with meditation, or incense? Nothing, if they are tools to help me be connected with myself, my environment. Everything, if they are a, means to escape something!
As we are adjusting to summer break, and “Me time” is in limited supply. I find myself wanting to ditch the intensity and hideout. My mother was a master at hiding, she showed me all of her tricks. I can’t say that I blame her now that I have some perspective and bushels of empathy. I get it, Mom. Some days are hard. We don’t always have the way to make things a little less stingy. Today I am the witness of my children’s discomforts. Their processes and acclimating. While bearing witness, I see my own difficulties, I have the cognition to not mingle our struggles. I can separate what is mine, what is there’s and what is real. Most of what I am experiencing is an egoic expectation that isn’t even possible. How can I possibly keep all people happy at all times? It’s not my responsibility to do so!
Taking this ownership of what is my part, is where my mother’s journey ended and mine began. My desire to not be like her, while driving me closer to most of her habits, also showed me a glimmer of possibility. To seek a little farther down the road and take a detour!
Happy Summer. May your days be filled with new perspectives, connection, and humor. There is so much to be enjoyed in the difficulties. <3