Subscribe for the occasional email!

Sunday, September 30, 2018

My Tipping Point

Over the last 24 hours I have received several messages about today September 30, 2018 is a national day of “Female black-out” where all women on social media are being asked to put a black box where their profile picture would be to help the world (more specifically men) see what a day without women feels like. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!

Is this our biggest best protest?
How is this going to help?

I am DONE being invisible
I am DONE being quiet
I am DONE pretending I’m fine
I am DONE denying my pain

Women do not need a black box
Women do not need to hide/disappear
Women do not need to prove shit
Women do not need more campaigns that are gimmicks
Women do not need to be told how to rise
Women do not need to hide

What I need is for people to take responsibility for their wrongdoings
What I need is for people to acknowledge that being raped destroys a person's sense of safety
What I need is for people to stand in solidarity
What I need is for people to stop comparing and blaming another person
What I need is to see in this world that every single person, being, plant, ocean, river, air, and the like are treated with respect, reverence, and unity
What I need is for the human race to heal the atrocities we have caused to others, the Earth
What I need is for people to start saying asking themselves how am I like this person
What I need is for people to look for similarities not difference
What I need is for people to claim their wholeness

Our world is divided right now
This side feels more right than that side
We are all the same side Shadow and Light
We CAN’T heal until we acknowledge we are ALL things
We are the perpetrator and the victim
We are the oppressor and the oppressed
We are the servant and the enslaved
We are the punisher and the punished

Do not ask me to black out my picture
Do not ask me to stay quiet
Do not ask me to support injustice because I am supposed to honor my flag
Do not ask me to turn the other cheek because I DIDN’T do the crime
Do not ask me to ignore the crisis we are in on a global scale
Do not ask me to stop fighting for the underdog


Until we have peace
Until we have justice
Until we have clean water
Until we have clean air
Until we stop the war within
Until we stop pointing fingers
Until we stop denying our power
Until we have safety for all people
Until we stop projecting our weaknesses
Until we stop ignoring our responsibilities

I will speak up
I will speak out
I will ask questions
I will make people uncomfortable

There’s NO better time than right now to start owning my place in this mess and taking accountability for my own hurts, darkness, and ignorance. No one is better than or less than me.

I am you
You are me
We are in this together!

I know there are no easy fixes
There are places to start
Ask your heart

Monday, September 17, 2018

Winds of Spirit Retreat 2018

 There are opportunities which present themselves that simply can’t be ignored, nor denied. When I was invited to be the personal assistant to Renee Baribeau (Author of Winds of Spirit) at the Omega Institute, this was one such opportunity. I knew I couldn’t NOT do it. The reason why was superseded by the full-bodied yes of having to attend.

 My travel to the Institute was seamless, pleasant and actually restorative. I chose to travel by train, which seemed romantic. What I appreciated most was the speed at which we traveled. We clicked at a steady pace, rocking from time to time, which reminded me of my youth being in a swing or rocker. A comforting feeling of being held.

 Once I arrived at Omega I was greeted with the doldrums (no wind). It was hot, stuffy and moving at a different pace than me. I was shown around the complex, checked in with Renee, then took some time to acclimate to my new home for the next week. My heart a little conflicted after just coming off of my book release/signing and leaving behind my family of four for the week. This would be longest I’d been gone ever. I knew we were ready for the experience, and it did leave a slight feeling of longing. My vulnerability balloon was beginning to fill.

 Renee and I met briefly for dinner--(which was our first time meeting in person), discussed the plan and the next morning we were off. Our group was small but MIGHTY. Each person came into the sacred space with a plethora of wisdom, experience, heart-centered openness and the ability to dive deep. The doldrums persisted most of the week externally. However, internally we were each facing, learning and deepening our relationships with our winds. I was working with Eurus Cardinal wind of the East.

 Eurus is known to be a sound teacher of Mind, Memory, and Beliefs. I was not expecting, nor receptive to what Eurus had in store for me!

 Being the personal assistant was a natural place for me to be. I enjoy assisting others because it helps me to “hide or be invisible”. I know this may sound ironic. How can one hide while assisting another? I hide my abilities, I hide my wisdom, I hide *showing* who I am. Now the paradox is that my inner desire is to be seen. To be known. To be of service. Yet, when I step closer to fulfilling that desire I am met with a wall of resistance. Renee is a resistance hunter! She sniffed this out within our first two hours of class! Highly uncomfortable for one who is hiding. Which added more air to my vulnerability balloon. She asked me how an author travels without any books? Or colors in the foundation of their house (a process we did after a shamanic journey) with muted colored lines. Renee and Eurus were guiding me to see more of the ways that I hide. They worked to assist me in letting go of the resistance in order to embrace my gifts.

 Working through our processes of Shamanic Journeying--Wind Walking--Wind knots--Prayer flags. I began to inch closer to the beliefs that stand between my habits and my desires. The bridge between the two is a lifetime of beliefs that once served me to stay safe, under the radar and able to move one more day in the world unharmed. The path I am traveling doesn’t allow for this level of rigidity. Learning how to be more flexible and pliable is highly necessary for being an effective leader, and teacher--yes even typing this is stretchy for me. And it’s true. I am here to teach, lead and support others on their sacred journeys. I am good at being me. I am not good at allowing myself to be seen.

 The biggest *reason* I have uncovered since our retreat is this: I packed on weight my whole life to hide from men, women or anyone that would find me attractive. It kept me physically safe. Only someone who would accept a 250+ woman was safe in my eyes. As I’ve outgrown the need, and belief of that reasoning. I can now see that I hide because of my weight. I hide my embarrassment and guilt at the way I’ve treated my body. That I am an untrustworthy steward of our wellness. That my fears became a burden to the one who loves me unconditionally, my body. What it all means--I am working with the weight (pun intended) of this new awareness. I am holding it without shaming myself more or holding myself as a victim. I can see that I am ready to take action in building a new relationship with my body, my beliefs about food and exercise. I have allies here to assist me--The winds.

 It was excruciatingly painful to be seen that week. I was seen so clearly by Renee--the circle, the pain came from the acceptance. This is my heart's longing to be accepted where I am, not for what I can give, not for what I do, but for who I am. I was met there and it was unexpectedly difficult. It brought out old patterns of protection, that were also held with kindness. The weeklong immersion of Wind Work has deepened my faith--my trust in that which I can’t see, but experience. Eurus stepped in to help me shed. Renee, offered me the opportunity because the winds led Heather (her original PA) to invite me. Everything was working in my favor to show up that week! I could feel it and I am so thankful I listened.

 My return trip home was another teacher of working with resistance, not against it. As everything that was planned crumbled and I was delayed another day before arriving home. I needed the time to be with the lessons--hold myself gently as my heart continued to let out what was ready to leave, making room for the integration to be received. My vulnerability stretched and never popped. Once again reminding me that I can handle the intensity of growing, without exploding. I can turn towards the winds of change and welcome in their loving offerings.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Do I really know?

When I feel overwhelmed, distraught, hopeless about the events happening in our world, politically, environmentally, interpersonally, I turn towards curiosity instead of hiding, denying, or condemning.
I look to find my blind spots, things I haven’t considered. Looking for a way to understand the magnitude of that which I cannot control. I am doing my part step by step, question by question. There’s much work to be done to help our world, and it won’t be solved by thinking that projects blame or fear. It is through the heart the clearer direction lies. After all, do I really know the master plan?


Do I really know what another feels?
Watching the forests burn
The animals perish
Many populations without water or food
My only perspective is my own capacity to assimilate what it might be like
But I don’t know
I haven’t been a mountain lion in this life
I’m not a tree
I assume there is suffering because I would be uncomfortable
And yet I trust that the Divine plan is
Just, loving, kind
That there are many realities, evolutions happening that I cannot yet conceive
As my consciousness grows
My trust evolves
I believe in mercy
I believe in divine intervention
I believe in a complex web of order
I believe everything is giving itself to the greater good
It may not look pretty
It may not seem just
It may look horrific
But do I, a singular human, truly know the whole story?
Is it possible that evolution is happening in the wake of destruction?
Is it possible that the sacrifices of many are for the species as a collective, not only humans?
Is it possible we are watching parts of our own systems crumble to give compost to new births?
What does it all mean?
Stay curious to the mystery
Some may argue we are facing the end
Some may say it was all our doing
Some may say there’s no hope
Others may add there is nothing to fear
We are near the end
And also the beginning
The beginning of being aware
The beginning of taking responsibility
The beginning of dying illusions
The beginning of building relationships with nature, one another, ourselves
The beginning of believing in oneness consciousness
The beginning of our evolution as conscious creators
Maybe we’ve done this before
Maybe we are an experiment
Maybe we learned something old, in a new way
Maybe what is falling away is the weight of shame, greed, separation
Maybe we are all walking the planet home
Home to a new beginning.

Friday, September 7, 2018

Reclaiming my light

When I resigned after the birth of our first child. I had no interest in ever walking back into the corporate world. I knew then I wanted to experience being a parent, even though it scared me to death! I knew I was good at being an employee. I could follow the rules, even though I never liked the grind, rules or conforming. I was/am the girl always looking for a new way, bigger, better, brighter. I offered countless suggestions, worked tirelessly to improve things. 

I spent the last fourteen years being a homemaker, wife, and member of our community. Always carrying a fire inside of me to lend a hand, air my voice, and dream of ways things can be tweaked or improved; it is what most may know as a visionary, even entrepreneur. I didn’t connect these dots until recently when I have been actively focused on building my business. 

I love our children. I love my spouse. I love that I have been able to be home to care and tend to the needs of our family, yet, none of it brought me the same satisfaction that helping in the world does. There is a place inside of my soul that constantly urges me to keep moving closer to this place of satisfaction. Being a stay at home mom is service. It’s a blessing to my heart to be able to focus on the family, AND I want more. I am not ashamed to admit that I am a visionary that yearns to be a part of the change,  longing to leave a mark in history. I have left a mark on my family patterns, created new pathways and ended dysfunctional patterns. 

I still want more. 

It is ok to want to do and be more in the world. I am learning to voice and accept, my truth. It doesn’t mean I am a bad mother for wanting to be a steward of change. It doesn’t mean I am neglectful, non-committed, or an abandoner. It means I am honoring my purpose. I am honoring the space inside of me that says, don’t stop here we have work to do. It’s a subtle, constant whisper. One that I will no longer ignore. 

I am reclaiming my right to be both a mother and an entrepreneur.
I am reclaiming my right to honor my desires.
I am reclaiming my right to be vocal about what matters to me, consciousness, community, healing, wholeness.  
I am reclaiming my right to be afraid and still take steps. 
I am reclaiming my right to not stop until I am satisfied my work here is done. 
I am reclaiming my right to be known.
I am reclaiming my right to be of service.
I am reclaiming my right to own my voice.

I share this from love, respect, and honor to all of us who feel the beckoning to step forward. 

My latest piece published @TheUrbanHowl Renegotiating long-term relationships I remember starting a new job and being handed ...