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Wednesday, October 24, 2018

I know I need to forgive and love myself --- Rebelle Society

The guilt that surrounds unforgiving myself is enormous!
Maybe it rests on the plates of my heart to remind me to forgive and keep forgiving until guilt is no longer a real feeling?
Through the history of my marriage, I have been detached, distant and railing against the commitment itself. All being held together by the story of I don’t deserve someone who loves me. I am not deserving of someone who’d care for me. I don’t deserve someone who desires me. I am a monster. A sad and lonely monster who longs to be loved, held and adored. Do you see the paradox? The irony of this space?
It has driven me deep into depression. Feelings of hopelessness and despair. How can I let in what I feel I don’t deserve, and stop feeling I don’t deserve things to give life to what is here for me? How can I stop this vicious circle of denying my own happiness? I tell myself I don’t matter. That no one really gives a shit about me anyway. That’s how I manage the guilt, shame, and regret.
I just toss it over to my persecutor, who is happy to remind me that I don’t matter.
In my logical mind,
I know I matter
I know I have a purpose
I know I have a presence
I know I have a community
I know I have real love
I know I have grace
In the shadowland, everything becomes distorted and taken out of context. The shadows try to stomp down my logical, rational self. They try to tell me repeatedly that I am in major depression and my sanity is teetering. That I need mental help. I should just end my suffering. There are so many of them that I almost feel overrun.
I close my eyes and I breathe.
I remember what I am grateful for.
I remember that I have been here countless times and it passes.
I remember that I am doing my best in each moment and that I don’t have to do anything right this second.
I know that I need to give myself love, compassion, and self-care.
My shadows hate empathy.
They loathe nurture.
It makes them melt and sizzle and they try one last stand.
I keep breathing
I keep praying
I remember my divinity
I remember my innocence
I remember that nothing in life is permanent
Nothing.
I am a monster
I am also an angel
I have nothing to be ashamed of
My mistakes do not define me. They teach me.
I am listening
What I refuse to do is keep punishing myself, for a moment. The punishment lasts longer than the act ever did.
It’s the punishment that persists and torments me.
I am doing that. I am punishing myself instead of forgiving.
Everything that has happened in my life has already been forgiven by the other. It is me that doesn’t feel I deserve to be forgiven.
I am not here to be tormented
I am here to serve
To give back
To enjoy existence
To grow my soul
With this awareness, I am adding compost, and siphoning out the Roundup in my psychological garden. My wholeness doesn’t come from being perfect. It comes from the long dark dances in the mayhem and chaos.
My willingness to look deep within myself and say, “I see your monster. I see your self-hatred. I see your shame. I see you, the persecutor. I see you, villain. I see you, an oppressor.You are not a threat. You are a part of me. You are the unknown self that I keep trying to hide and dance around. You are the piece of me that I am ashamed of.
How very painful for you. How sad that the woman you belong to doesn’t accept you. I am here now. I am stronger than I was before. I am more willing to listen. To understand you. I see you. I love you. You are me. We are together in this house of ours. No more closing the curtains and hiding. Let us all be known and loved and held.”
The adult is home, and she is here to care for you. The whole you.

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