This share may be triggering. Please read to the end. I am speaking of my own experience and most importantly, I am not trying to diminish how deep trauma can live within our being.
As some may know I have a history. I am not alone in this, all of us do. What I want to share is how I have used my history as a strategy to stay "safe." This past weekend I was at a workshop doing deep healing work through my perineum. The perineum is the space between the anus and genitals. It's is about the size of a quarter, and holds a lot of information. During the workshop we did alignment exercises to help release the tension stored in the fibers of our perineum, and also, welcome whatever was ready to leave the body, to do so without hindrance.
I came into direct contact with my inability to trust another human being with all of me. What does this mean? It means that because of my history I made an agreement that people are not safe to trust, and moreover that most do not have good intentions for me. This agreement was coming from my inner three-year-old girl. I (Brigid) the conscious witness was watching my inner world, wrestle with the outer experience. I was struggling to allow my partner to fully support my physical self during the exercise. I even heard myself say "Trusting you is hard for me."
My partner had the kindest energy, eyes, and physical posturing. She meant me no harm. In fact, her level of presence allowed me to confront my inner world and FEEL the entirety of the story play all the way through my nervous system. You see I have a great deal of experience with NOT feeling safe. I know how it feels to NOT be safe. What I didn't have was a physical embodiment of how safe DOES feel. In this moment of great struggle, I surrendered. I gave over my whole self to the exercise, my partner, the safe container the circle of participants was holding for me. I let her in and the fear out.
I was in the present moment erasing my history. Erasing the memories of what unsafe felt like within, and simultaneously was creating a new imprint of what safe feels like. I was with extreme fear and extreme love at the same time, and I didn't die! It was truly miraculous. It's something I have longed for most of my life. To allow in, to receive, to be unguarded.
I want to know what love feels like without story and conditioning. To trust that it won't break me. The people who once hurt me "loved" me, and so the word love held little value. BUT this physical embodiment of the energy of love, the presence of it has completely reinvented my understanding of what intimacy and love are.
They are not hard to receive. They pose zero threat. They are purity. Divine grace in motion. And when I allow it to FLOW through me, I am cleansed, renewed, present.
The pain of my past traumas prevented the flow. I believe I participated in reinjuring myself, because I kept choosing the trauma as my strategy to stay on the outside, not trusting I would be safe going all the way through. I had zero knowledge of what safety really was! It isn't something to be theorized, or conceptualized. It is to be felt.
The gift of my traumas is they have shown me contrast. I have a broader concept of protection, and trust. Holding on, and surrendering. Hatred, and forgiveness. Safety within, and out. Holding space, and being held. How to be strong in softness.
My prayer for humanity is may we all have an opportunity to be so deeply held, seen, and understood, that we finally FEEL safe.
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